Day 19

It's hard to stay motivated. I did pretty good yesterday, but today I'm really struggling. It doesn't help that the one time of day that you get to yourself either the baby refuses to sleep or the neighbor girl comes over to play while your toddler would be taking a nice long nap. I'm trying hard to stay positive and make good choices. Some days I rock it and other days I completely blow it.

Today is somewhere in the middle. I went running, cleaned a bathroom, got groceries, put them away, and found time for some spiritual meditation, but I didn't get anything else done. I was going to pull some orders for my shop. I was going to get more things put together for Ellie's birthday party. I was going to make a delicious snack for my girls' night tonight. I was going to clean the kitchen, vacuum, and mop. I have a plan for dinner tonight though, so there's that.

I still don't know what to do about my shop. Part of me still feels like I should close it down, but the other part of me wants to see where it takes me. I don't want to be a quitter. I always quit when things get too hard. If things don't come easy to me I don't even try. I've worked so hard on this shop, and even though I have a lot more work to do I want to keep going. Maybe I just need to be better about picking my priorities. I've been off-balance lately, I know I have. I wish spiritual nudges were easier to understand. More like spiritual jolts, you know.

Day 18

This last weekend the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gathered and watched a general conference. This conference is broadcast all over the world. Many member congregate in churches or (the lucky ones) in their homes. Some also attend the conference live in Salt Lake City, Utah. During the conference we hear from the leaders of the church speak on principles that they are inspired to extend to us. We get to hear from the prophet of God, who is a mouthpiece of the Lord and reveals revelation to us.

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in the Church of Jesus Christ. A few are:

1. Reorganization of some of the organizations in the church.
2. A deeper emphasis of gospel study at home by shortening the amount of time spent at church each Sunday.
3. Revamping the way that members take care of each other.

There were a lot of messages that were shared, but the one that stuck out to me is the importance of motherhood. According to "The Family - A Proclamation to the World" we learn that " Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." This proclamation was introduced in 1995 as a stance of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints viewed the responsibilities of the family and such. I also know that I can be successful in anything I set my mind to. I want to raise worthy and worthwhile children who understand the importance of serving God and others.

After listening to all of the inspirational messages of the weekend I have a deep feeling that  I should pause doing my shop right now. It's not the right time. I don't know if there will ever be a good time, but now is definitely not it. I want to focus on my number one priority -- my family. My shop has been fun but it has taken from the time that I should be focusing on more important things. I've  been trying to decide if I should quit cold turkey, or if I should finish off the upcoming Christmas season. Since I just received a bunch of new inventory I feel as though I should work on selling as much of it as I can in the upcoming months then close down. I have a boutique that I have been accepted to vend at and another that I'm waiting to hear back from. I figure I will do the boutiques then do a big sale to get rid of the rest. After that I will close up shop.

When I mentioned to Jeremy that I was thinking I should stop selling things he was worried for me because he has seen how good it has been for me to have a hobby. It keeps me sane when dealing with little ones all day long. I agree that having a hobby is good, but I just don't think that Oh, Elle is the right hobby currently. It's too time consuming. I wouldn't mind working on my writing, drawing, and cooking skills. I think I would love to write a children's book one of these days.

Part of me is sad to let go of something that I have worked so hard on. The other part of me is relieved. Although I like having a shop, there are a lot of things I don't like. I don't like the marketing part of it. The social media side of it gives me anxiety and I always feel pressured to be posting. I think it will be a nice break.  

For now I am going to focus on the challenge Pres. Nelson issued the women of the church:

1. Take a 10 day fast from social media and any other media that distracts you from what is good.
2. Read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of the year.
3. Start going regularly to the temple.
4. Participate in Relief Society more fully.

Here goes a new chapter. Wish me luck!

Day 7

Where does the time go? Ellie is going to be four before I know it, then five, then she'll be in kindergarten. Before I know it she won't want to cuddle with me anymore, and she won't say her sweet funny sayings anymore. She turned from a baby to a toddler and now she's turning from a toddler to a child. I can't handle it. I'm not ready for this.

Also, here's a part of Ellie's bedtime prayer tonight, "Please bless I can play soccer even though it's just for boys, and please bless Reef that he will be a nice boy."

Day 4

Alma 5:26 "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

This scripture came up in church yesterday. We were talking about the Holy Ghost, and recognizing when he is with you. I know I have not been as diligent in studying my scriptures, praying, etc. lately. I use the excuse of I'm busy raising kids. The fact is, I have been in a dark hole and I haven't realized it. I mean, sometimes I did, but not enough to do anything about it. I would ignore the feelings I had and bury them even deeper.

I want to be better. I want to have the spirit with me always. I want to be able to receive personal revelation and revelation for my family whenever I need to. If I'm not living in line with the Savior's teachings then it's not going to happen. Yesterday, someone also said the phrase "companionship of the Holy Ghost." I've heard this phrase a million times, but yesterday it dawned on me that having the spirit is a two-way street. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is not pulling their weight. Right now, I am not pulling my weight.

I'm working on finding myself, and in order to do that I need to embrace the fact that I am a daughter of God. He loves me and wants the best for me. I am here on this earth to become more like Him, and help others as well. I can't help anyone until I first take care of myself, so that's what I'm going to do. I am going to find my confidence and my voice. I am brilliant, bright, and beautiful and I will keep telling myself that until I believe it.

Day 3

Today started out as a downer day, but quickly got better with the help of my cute family. Ellie was in her first primary program, and later we had a birthday dinner for Aunt Brittany. It was just what I needed. I needed to have a reason to think about someone other than myself.

I've been really hard on myself lately. I've been frustrated at my short comings and annoyed with my weaknesses. The thing is, I'm human. If I don't accept myself for who I am how can I expect anyone else? I've decided that I need to be better at cheering myself on. I need to love myself.

I need to recognize my talents and not  be ashamed of them or belittle them. I am nurturing, funny, a good cook, unashamed of my beliefs, dependable, clever, smart, and beautiful. I ran across this quote in a book I'm reading called You are a Badass, "You are the only you there is or ever will be."

It takes just as much energy to think negatively or positively about myself. Why would I waste that energy putting myself down? I love my girls and I want them to love themselves. How are they ever going to do that if they don't have a good example around them? I am a daughter of God, and that's a big deal. I need to start acting like one.

Day 2

I started out the day going for my run, and I happened to run into a friend of mine. The second I saw her I was brought to tears which surprised me and her. I keep thinking back to the tears and wondering why I was so emotional. I saw her a few days ago at a party of mine. I had said something jokingly to her, but she didn't respond in a way that I expected. I had apologized in fear that I had offended her, but she brushed it off acting like it wasn't a big deal and there was no need to apologize. I think that I have been holding an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind that something was wrong between us. When I saw her I could tell that everything was fine and I think that is what caused the tears. They were tears of relief.

I have been very overwhelmed lately, and how I have handled it is ignoring everything (which isn't the best way to solve the problem). I think today everything came back to haunt me. I'm overwhelmed with housework, my business, family relationships, friendships, and church responsibilities.  I have been very unbalanced lately and have been putting all of my efforts to one thing. My business. I've been ignoring the laundry, bathrooms, phone calls, appointments I need to set up, and even cooking (which I typically enjoy). I'm not centered.  I'm, in fact, the complete opposite. I am the leaning tower of Pisa.

As I was running, I kept thinking of all the things I need to get done. I would go from mentally planning to being on the verge of tears. I have been in a huge slump lately and I have had a very difficult time finding motivation. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe  I just need to make a list. A to-do list -- not necessarily so I know what needs to be done, but just so I can mentally unwind and let it all out. Here it goes:

feed Avery
schedule meeting
finish laundry
clean the bathrooms
put the extra chairs in the basement
plan Ellie's  birthday party
make Britt's birthday cake
go grocery shopping
schedule visits
meal plan dinners for next week

That actually felt really good. I'm sure there is more, but that was what was on the top of my mind and bogging me down the most.

To end on a good note, here's a conversation I had with Ellie today...

Me: Where is my crockpot?
Ellie: Mom, what's pot?
Me: Well, you don't really need to know what pot is, but a crockpot helps me cook.
Ellie: I have pot.
Me: Really?
Ellie: Yeah, it's big and in my fridge and I make cake with it.

And with that, it's time to go feed Avery.

Day 1

Have you ever wondered what your purpose in life is? Have you ever wondered what your calling is? I know I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the list goes on and on, but sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in all of that and wonder if there is more. Is there more than the poopy diapers, the tantrums, the dog-chewed stuffed animals, the dirty kitchen, and the constant feeling of needing to lose weight? I've heard from a million women that they feel as though they have lost their identity of who they are when they became a mom. Part of me feels like motherhood isn't really to blame.

I mean, yes, your hormones are out of wack, you constantly have someone needing something from you, and you can never find time to clean those bathrooms but I think you don't have to lose your identity through it all. Honestly, it is part of your identity. I read somewhere something to the affect of "You don't change, you find yourself." Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of moments where I just wish that I could go back to the simpler times in college. All I had to worry about was myself. I didn't have to schedule every workout, girls night, and shopping trip. I didn't have the feeling of putting someone else out just for some "me time." I then remind myself that although life was simpler then, it didn't have the depth that my life has now.

I didn't love as deeply as I do now. I have two little girls and a husband that are my life. Nothing beats the smile I get from Avery every time I get her after a nap. Nothing is better than the hug I get from Ellie when I wake her up to say goodnight after I have been gone. Nothing is even close to the amazing feeling I get when I catch my husband looking at me from across the room. Having a little family of my own can't be summed up in any less of a way than pure joy.

Sometimes I get lost though. Sometimes I forget the joy that I am surrounded by. Sometimes I get caught up in all of the menial tasks of motherhood and being a wife. How do I pull myself out of the negativity? I'm not quite sure, but I do know what doesn't work -- scrolling though endless social media accounts of "perfect" people, eating myself sick, and binge-watching shows. How is it, then, that I typically go to one of those options during nap time on a downer (or even just a typical) day? What does typically get me out of my funk? I've found that meditating, doing something creative, or even cleaning something helps.

For today I pick doing something creative. I've decided that I like writing; I think I knew it all along. I'm not sure if I'm good at it, but I do know that the best way to get better at something is to do it a lot. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a lot. I want to try to write something every day. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I have a feeling that if I give myself the time the ideas will flow. Here goes nothing...