Day 7

Where does the time go? Ellie is going to be four before I know it, then five, then she'll be in kindergarten. Before I know it she won't want to cuddle with me anymore, and she won't say her sweet funny sayings anymore. She turned from a baby to a toddler and now she's turning from a toddler to a child. I can't handle it. I'm not ready for this.

Also, here's a part of Ellie's bedtime prayer tonight, "Please bless I can play soccer even though it's just for boys, and please bless Reef that he will be a nice boy."

Day 4

Alma 5:26 "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

This scripture came up in church yesterday. We were talking about the Holy Ghost, and recognizing when he is with you. I know I have not been as diligent in studying my scriptures, praying, etc. lately. I use the excuse of I'm busy raising kids. The fact is, I have been in a dark hole and I haven't realized it. I mean, sometimes I did, but not enough to do anything about it. I would ignore the feelings I had and bury them even deeper.

I want to be better. I want to have the spirit with me always. I want to be able to receive personal revelation and revelation for my family whenever I need to. If I'm not living in line with the Savior's teachings then it's not going to happen. Yesterday, someone also said the phrase "companionship of the Holy Ghost." I've heard this phrase a million times, but yesterday it dawned on me that having the spirit is a two-way street. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is not pulling their weight. Right now, I am not pulling my weight.

I'm working on finding myself, and in order to do that I need to embrace the fact that I am a daughter of God. He loves me and wants the best for me. I am here on this earth to become more like Him, and help others as well. I can't help anyone until I first take care of myself, so that's what I'm going to do. I am going to find my confidence and my voice. I am brilliant, bright, and beautiful and I will keep telling myself that until I believe it.

Day 3

Today started out as a downer day, but quickly got better with the help of my cute family. Ellie was in her first primary program, and later we had a birthday dinner for Aunt Brittany. It was just what I needed. I needed to have a reason to think about someone other than myself.

I've been really hard on myself lately. I've been frustrated at my short comings and annoyed with my weaknesses. The thing is, I'm human. If I don't accept myself for who I am how can I expect anyone else? I've decided that I need to be better at cheering myself on. I need to love myself.

I need to recognize my talents and not  be ashamed of them or belittle them. I am nurturing, funny, a good cook, unashamed of my beliefs, dependable, clever, smart, and beautiful. I ran across this quote in a book I'm reading called You are a Badass, "You are the only you there is or ever will be."

It takes just as much energy to think negatively or positively about myself. Why would I waste that energy putting myself down? I love my girls and I want them to love themselves. How are they ever going to do that if they don't have a good example around them? I am a daughter of God, and that's a big deal. I need to start acting like one.

Day 2

I started out the day going for my run, and I happened to run into a friend of mine. The second I saw her I was brought to tears which surprised me and her. I keep thinking back to the tears and wondering why I was so emotional. I saw her a few days ago at a party of mine. I had said something jokingly to her, but she didn't respond in a way that I expected. I had apologized in fear that I had offended her, but she brushed it off acting like it wasn't a big deal and there was no need to apologize. I think that I have been holding an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind that something was wrong between us. When I saw her I could tell that everything was fine and I think that is what caused the tears. They were tears of relief.

I have been very overwhelmed lately, and how I have handled it is ignoring everything (which isn't the best way to solve the problem). I think today everything came back to haunt me. I'm overwhelmed with housework, my business, family relationships, friendships, and church responsibilities.  I have been very unbalanced lately and have been putting all of my efforts to one thing. My business. I've been ignoring the laundry, bathrooms, phone calls, appointments I need to set up, and even cooking (which I typically enjoy). I'm not centered.  I'm, in fact, the complete opposite. I am the leaning tower of Pisa.

As I was running, I kept thinking of all the things I need to get done. I would go from mentally planning to being on the verge of tears. I have been in a huge slump lately and I have had a very difficult time finding motivation. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe  I just need to make a list. A to-do list -- not necessarily so I know what needs to be done, but just so I can mentally unwind and let it all out. Here it goes:

feed Avery
schedule meeting
finish laundry
clean the bathrooms
put the extra chairs in the basement
plan Ellie's  birthday party
make Britt's birthday cake
go grocery shopping
schedule visits
meal plan dinners for next week

That actually felt really good. I'm sure there is more, but that was what was on the top of my mind and bogging me down the most.

To end on a good note, here's a conversation I had with Ellie today...

Me: Where is my crockpot?
Ellie: Mom, what's pot?
Me: Well, you don't really need to know what pot is, but a crockpot helps me cook.
Ellie: I have pot.
Me: Really?
Ellie: Yeah, it's big and in my fridge and I make cake with it.

And with that, it's time to go feed Avery.

Day 1

Have you ever wondered what your purpose in life is? Have you ever wondered what your calling is? I know I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the list goes on and on, but sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in all of that and wonder if there is more. Is there more than the poopy diapers, the tantrums, the dog-chewed stuffed animals, the dirty kitchen, and the constant feeling of needing to lose weight? I've heard from a million women that they feel as though they have lost their identity of who they are when they became a mom. Part of me feels like motherhood isn't really to blame.

I mean, yes, your hormones are out of wack, you constantly have someone needing something from you, and you can never find time to clean those bathrooms but I think you don't have to lose your identity through it all. Honestly, it is part of your identity. I read somewhere something to the affect of "You don't change, you find yourself." Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of moments where I just wish that I could go back to the simpler times in college. All I had to worry about was myself. I didn't have to schedule every workout, girls night, and shopping trip. I didn't have the feeling of putting someone else out just for some "me time." I then remind myself that although life was simpler then, it didn't have the depth that my life has now.

I didn't love as deeply as I do now. I have two little girls and a husband that are my life. Nothing beats the smile I get from Avery every time I get her after a nap. Nothing is better than the hug I get from Ellie when I wake her up to say goodnight after I have been gone. Nothing is even close to the amazing feeling I get when I catch my husband looking at me from across the room. Having a little family of my own can't be summed up in any less of a way than pure joy.

Sometimes I get lost though. Sometimes I forget the joy that I am surrounded by. Sometimes I get caught up in all of the menial tasks of motherhood and being a wife. How do I pull myself out of the negativity? I'm not quite sure, but I do know what doesn't work -- scrolling though endless social media accounts of "perfect" people, eating myself sick, and binge-watching shows. How is it, then, that I typically go to one of those options during nap time on a downer (or even just a typical) day? What does typically get me out of my funk? I've found that meditating, doing something creative, or even cleaning something helps.

For today I pick doing something creative. I've decided that I like writing; I think I knew it all along. I'm not sure if I'm good at it, but I do know that the best way to get better at something is to do it a lot. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a lot. I want to try to write something every day. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I have a feeling that if I give myself the time the ideas will flow. Here goes nothing...