Day 1

Have you ever wondered what your purpose in life is? Have you ever wondered what your calling is? I know I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the list goes on and on, but sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in all of that and wonder if there is more. Is there more than the poopy diapers, the tantrums, the dog-chewed stuffed animals, the dirty kitchen, and the constant feeling of needing to lose weight? I've heard from a million women that they feel as though they have lost their identity of who they are when they became a mom. Part of me feels like motherhood isn't really to blame.

I mean, yes, your hormones are out of wack, you constantly have someone needing something from you, and you can never find time to clean those bathrooms but I think you don't have to lose your identity through it all. Honestly, it is part of your identity. I read somewhere something to the affect of "You don't change, you find yourself." Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of moments where I just wish that I could go back to the simpler times in college. All I had to worry about was myself. I didn't have to schedule every workout, girls night, and shopping trip. I didn't have the feeling of putting someone else out just for some "me time." I then remind myself that although life was simpler then, it didn't have the depth that my life has now.

I didn't love as deeply as I do now. I have two little girls and a husband that are my life. Nothing beats the smile I get from Avery every time I get her after a nap. Nothing is better than the hug I get from Ellie when I wake her up to say goodnight after I have been gone. Nothing is even close to the amazing feeling I get when I catch my husband looking at me from across the room. Having a little family of my own can't be summed up in any less of a way than pure joy.

Sometimes I get lost though. Sometimes I forget the joy that I am surrounded by. Sometimes I get caught up in all of the menial tasks of motherhood and being a wife. How do I pull myself out of the negativity? I'm not quite sure, but I do know what doesn't work -- scrolling though endless social media accounts of "perfect" people, eating myself sick, and binge-watching shows. How is it, then, that I typically go to one of those options during nap time on a downer (or even just a typical) day? What does typically get me out of my funk? I've found that meditating, doing something creative, or even cleaning something helps.

For today I pick doing something creative. I've decided that I like writing; I think I knew it all along. I'm not sure if I'm good at it, but I do know that the best way to get better at something is to do it a lot. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a lot. I want to try to write something every day. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I have a feeling that if I give myself the time the ideas will flow. Here goes nothing...