a letter to my little ones

Dear girls,

Raising you has been one of my greatest joys. I have loved every stage of your lives. I have seen you grow with bittersweet feelings, and I've seen you develop. I've watched you as your balance and coordination has gotten more sure. Some days I would tear up just watching you eat lunch together. Life is wild. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns. It's unpredictable, and sometimes (when you are lucky) it can be very predictable. Consistency is a blessing. We have had a very simple life. Some might call it boring, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I have always been sure of my love for your daddy, and you, too. I have always considered it a privilege to be a wife and a mother. For some people marriage and children don't come easy. For some people marriage and children don't come at all in this life. We are very blessed to have our healthy, little family.

There are times that life is not perfect. There are times that we lose people that are very close to us. At those times it is very important to cling to our family and our Heavenly Father. You see, Heavenly Father loves us and wants what is best for us. Sometimes we will witness miracles, and sometimes we will be made stronger through trials. Sometimes we will witness miracles because of trials. I know it is hard, but during hard times, especially, we need to keep life into perspective. Rough patches won't last forever, and you are stronger than you think.

We also need to remember our Heavenly Father during the good times, too. He blesses us with so much, and we need to be mindful of Him. Let Him in during your good days. Relish on them together. He wants to be a part of your good times as well. Keep a notebook of the things you are thankful for. It will be helpful for those hard times. Don't forget about the hard times, either. Writing down your failures and burns will help you see the miraculous outcomes.

Love each other. Friends will come and go, but you will always have your siblings. Enjoy each other's company. Spend time together, talk together, and commiserate together. You will be so grateful for the work you put into your relationships. Being close will be such a blessing in your life. Share everything with each other and listen to each other. Stick up for one another and be the best of friends.

Lastly, I want you to know of the love that your dad and I have for you. I had no clue I could love so deeply. I know that I am not perfect, and so my love is imperfect as well but I have never loved anyone more than I have loved your dad and you girls. One of these days I hope you have the blessing of meeting a man of your own to love. Cherish him. Put everything you have into your relationship with him. Marriage isn't about 50/50. You each need to put in 100 percent. Serve him and care for him. Don't be afraid to show your love for him.

You girls are my greatest accomplishment. I couldn't be more proud of you. Keep your head up and be strong. I know you can attain anything you set your mind to if you are willing to work hard enough. I will always be here cheering you on.

I love you,
Mom

Mr. Snow Miser Needs to Step Down

I understand the need for seasons. I understand the need to experience things so that we can appreciate their counterparts. I understand the need for precipitation, but I am so done. I'm originally from sunny Southern Utah, and Northern Utah winters are particularly hard on me. I have a hard time with the snow, the cold temperatures, but I especially struggle with the gloomy clouds. Girl needs some sunshine. For some reason, this winter has dragged on for-ev-er. I keep checking the weather app on my phone for a siting of hope. So far, it's a no-go.

I think part of the reason this winter has seemed never ending is the sickness we have had in this house. February was the month from, well, you know where. It started with Ellie. She got a cold. Not just any cold, there were fevers, and aches, and coughing, and the nose that never stopped running. It lasted for two weeks. At the end of her first week Avery caught it. After Avery's first week of having it I caught it.

By the third week of February everything was looking up. Then Ellie started another cold that was basically a repeat of what we just got rid of. A day later Avery started showing the same symptoms. We were lucky enough to have Avery's cold turn into RSV. She timed it well enough to have it the week that Mister was out of town for a business trip. That was a good week full of hospital visits. We were blessed enough not to have to go during the middle of the night though. Avery actually handled RSV like a champ, and was looking pretty good by the end of the week.

In full disclosure, I do need to talk about a major miracle that happened. Knowing that I had to deal with her RSV solo, I knew it would be hard if I had to take her in during the middle of the night. I remember being on my knees in prayer. As tears fell I said, "I now miracles can happen, and I know trials can make us stronger. This time, can I please have a miracle? Please help Avery make it through the night without a trip to the hospital." I was granted a miracle.

Enter March. Enter snow. Just as I thought we were out of the woods from Avery's cold her coughing started to increase. Her breathing seemed more labored, again. At first I thought I was crazy. I thought I was just losing my patience (it had been two weeks of the same sickness by now, plus the other month of sickness before this one). Finally, last night I noticed that she was starting to wheeze. I decided to make an appointment with the doctor before we hit the weekend.

We found out that Avery has an ear infection in addition to her cold. They gave her a steroid shot to help with her breathing and a prescription for Amoxicillin for her ear. Last night was the best night we have slept in weeks. We only had one wake up call during the night, and she went right back to sleep after some love from us. Today she is pretty grumpy, but I think it's because her coughing woke her up pretty early this morning. I'm hoping that as soon as her medicine kicks in she'll get over this cold quick because my anxiety is at an all time high right now.

I can feel the walls crumbling down inside me and I don't know how to fix it. I have little to no patience with the girls right now, every time I look outside and see clouds I want to cry, and I have lost all motivation to do anything at all (even the things I love). I could really use a win right now. I need a sign of hope. I need to see a blossom, a tulip, or a daffodil. I need a day without coughing, runny noses, or tears. I need sunshine.

I have been able to find glimpses of joy though. I find them through meditation. I find them through prayer. I find them through my sweet family and friends. I find them through my adorable puppy. Spring will come, sickness will end, and peace will find me. I just need to keep holding on. I need to keep believing in better days, and I need to find the good in the bad days. I really am so blessed and I need to remember those blessings because that is what keeps me going. This winter will end.

Cinnamon Roll Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

I love cinnamon rolls. The thing with cinnamon rolls is that they really are a labor of love. When I created this cake my primary focus was the cinnamon and the frosting. My favorite cinnamon rolls knock you out with cinnamon. My favorite frosting for cinnamon rolls is cream cheese, like actual cream cheese frosting. Putting a glaze on cinnamon rolls is a waste. Cream cheese frosting is the perfect balance for the sweetness of the roll.

Having cinnamon flavored cake layers wasn't good enough for me. I wanted the layers of cinnamon sugar like you do with the rolls. Enter: cinnamon streusel. At first, Mister though I was crazy to bake a streusel layer under the cake layers. The second he smelled what was going on in the kitchen he knew it was so right. This cake has the perfect match-up of textures and flavors. It really is a home run. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Tips for this Cake

• The frosting made just enough to frost the cake. If you prefer to use a piping bag to apply your frosting, or if you would like more to decorate with add more powdered sugar to give you a bit  more.
• This frosting is meant to be less sweet to balance out the sweetness of the cake (similar to  Cinnabon frosting) if you would prefer your frosting to be more sweet add more powdered sugar.
• Be sure to beat the frosting for the full 12 minutes. This is to get the frosting stiff enough that the cake will be stable when constructed.
• I used Torani "Brown Sugar and Cinnamon" syrup on my cakes. If you don't want to buy the syrup just make the simple syrup recipe provided below.

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Yield: 4-layer 6-inch or 3-layer 8-inch round cake

Sweet cinnamon cake layers with crisp streusel bottoms topped with a decadent cinnamon cream cheese frosting.

Ingredients

Cinnamon Streusel

10 Tbs unsalted butter, cold

1 c dark brown sugar

1 ½ c all-purpose flour

2 Tbs cinnamon

Cinnamon Cake (adapted from Cookies and Cups)

2 ½ c all-purpose flour

1 ½ c granulated sugar

4 tsp baking powder

2 tsp cinnamon

½ tsp salt

¾ c unsalted butter, room temperature

¾ c sour cream or plain Greek yogurt

2 tsp vanilla

6 large egg whites, room temperature (divided)

¾ c milk, room temperature

¼ c water, room temperature

Cinnamon Syrup

½ c brown sugar
½ c water
½ Tbs cinnamon

Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting

1 c unsalted butter, room temperature

8 oz cream cheese, room temperature

1 lb powdered sugar, sifted
1 Tbs cinnamon

1 tsp lemon extract or juice

1 tsp vanilla

Cinnamon Sugar

¼ c light brown sugar

½ Tbs cinnamon

Instructions

For the Cinnamon Streusel

1. Preheat oven to 350° F.
2. Grease your cake pans, line with parchment paper, then grease the parchment paper.
3. Add butter, flour, brown sugar, and cinnamon to a food processor and pulse until coarse crumbs form.
4. Divide evenly in pans and press flat with hands.
5. Bake 5-7 minutes. Allow to cool before adding cake batter.

For Cinnamon Cake

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar together on medium speed until light and fluffy (about 3-4 minutes). Add the sour cream and vanilla, mix until well combined. Add half of the egg whites and mix until well combined. Add the remaining egg whites and mix until well combined. Scrap down the sides of the bowl as needed to make sure everything is incorporated.
3. Sift together the flour, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt in a medium bowl and whisk to fully incorporate. In a small bowl, combine the milk and water. With the mixer on low speed, add half of the flour mixture into the batter and mix until just combined. Add the milk mixture and mix until just combined. Add the rest of the flour mixture and mix until just combined. Scrap down the sides and bottom of bowl as needed to make sure everything is incorporated. Do not over mix.
4. Divide the batter even into each of the pans. Bake for 23-25 minutes or until cakes are completely baked.
5. Allow the cakes to cool for 10 minutes in the pans and then remove them from their pans onto a cooling rack. Flip cakes so streusel is on the bottom and poke the tops of the cake with a wooden skewer. Pour the cinnamon syrup onto the top of each cake (divided evenly) and allow to soak in while cakes finish cooling.

For Cinnamon Syrup

1. Add water and sugar to a saucepan over medium-high heat. Bring mixture to a simmer and cook, swirling the pan occasionally until the sugar has completely dissolved. Stir in cinnamon and allow to cool before pouring over cakes. Can be stored in an air-tight container in the fridge for up to 4 weeks.

For Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting

1. Allow butter and cream cheese to reach room temperature. In the bowl of your stand mixer fitted with a balloon whisk attachment, beat the butter and cream cheese together until well combined. Slowly add in sifted powdered sugar and cinnamon. Once all the sugar and cinnamon is incorporated, mix for at least 12 minutes (this is very important). When almost done, add in the extracts and mix until well combined.

For Cinnamon Sugar

1. Mix ingredients in a small bowl. Divide evenly between each layer of cake by sprinkling over the frosting. Reserve a bit for decorating the top of the cake (optional).

Assembly

1. Level each cake with a cake leveler or knife.
2. Using chilled cakes, place the first cake layer on the cake plate or stand with the streusel on the bottom.
3. Spread about ½ - ¾ cup of frosting on top of the cake layer. Spread to the edges and make sure it is level. Sprinkle with with about ½ of the cinnamon sugar. Repeat for each level.
4. Place the final layer of cake on top with the streusel on the bottom.
5. Frost the cake with a thin layer of frosting to lock in the crumbs. Freeze for about 10 minutes to set the crumb coat.
6. Continue to decorate with remaining frosting. If frosting softens refrigerate for 10-15 minutes then beat to smooth out.