Mr. Snow Miser Needs to Step Down

I understand the need for seasons. I understand the need to experience things so that we can appreciate their counterparts. I understand the need for precipitation, but I am so done. I'm originally from sunny Southern Utah, and Northern Utah winters are particularly hard on me. I have a hard time with the snow, the cold temperatures, but I especially struggle with the gloomy clouds. Girl needs some sunshine. For some reason, this winter has dragged on for-ev-er. I keep checking the weather app on my phone for a siting of hope. So far, it's a no-go.

I think part of the reason this winter has seemed never ending is the sickness we have had in this house. February was the month from, well, you know where. It started with Ellie. She got a cold. Not just any cold, there were fevers, and aches, and coughing, and the nose that never stopped running. It lasted for two weeks. At the end of her first week Avery caught it. After Avery's first week of having it I caught it.

By the third week of February everything was looking up. Then Ellie started another cold that was basically a repeat of what we just got rid of. A day later Avery started showing the same symptoms. We were lucky enough to have Avery's cold turn into RSV. She timed it well enough to have it the week that Mister was out of town for a business trip. That was a good week full of hospital visits. We were blessed enough not to have to go during the middle of the night though. Avery actually handled RSV like a champ, and was looking pretty good by the end of the week.

In full disclosure, I do need to talk about a major miracle that happened. Knowing that I had to deal with her RSV solo, I knew it would be hard if I had to take her in during the middle of the night. I remember being on my knees in prayer. As tears fell I said, "I now miracles can happen, and I know trials can make us stronger. This time, can I please have a miracle? Please help Avery make it through the night without a trip to the hospital." I was granted a miracle.

Enter March. Enter snow. Just as I thought we were out of the woods from Avery's cold her coughing started to increase. Her breathing seemed more labored, again. At first I thought I was crazy. I thought I was just losing my patience (it had been two weeks of the same sickness by now, plus the other month of sickness before this one). Finally, last night I noticed that she was starting to wheeze. I decided to make an appointment with the doctor before we hit the weekend.

We found out that Avery has an ear infection in addition to her cold. They gave her a steroid shot to help with her breathing and a prescription for Amoxicillin for her ear. Last night was the best night we have slept in weeks. We only had one wake up call during the night, and she went right back to sleep after some love from us. Today she is pretty grumpy, but I think it's because her coughing woke her up pretty early this morning. I'm hoping that as soon as her medicine kicks in she'll get over this cold quick because my anxiety is at an all time high right now.

I can feel the walls crumbling down inside me and I don't know how to fix it. I have little to no patience with the girls right now, every time I look outside and see clouds I want to cry, and I have lost all motivation to do anything at all (even the things I love). I could really use a win right now. I need a sign of hope. I need to see a blossom, a tulip, or a daffodil. I need a day without coughing, runny noses, or tears. I need sunshine.

I have been able to find glimpses of joy though. I find them through meditation. I find them through prayer. I find them through my sweet family and friends. I find them through my adorable puppy. Spring will come, sickness will end, and peace will find me. I just need to keep holding on. I need to keep believing in better days, and I need to find the good in the bad days. I really am so blessed and I need to remember those blessings because that is what keeps me going. This winter will end.

Not So Sunny St. George

After the wedding I took the girls and we headed to St. George to spend some time with my family. We had to drive through Zion National Park to get there. Let me tell you, it did not disappoint. The snow on red rocks is always breathtaking, but add amazing views and you cannot help but drop your jaw. The drive to my parents was much more uneventful compared to our drive to the cabin. Thank heaven.

The girls had so much fun playing with their cousins. My sister, Whitnee, drove up from Vegas on Monday and spent the day with us. We had so much fun just chilling and catching up. I always long to live closer to my sisters and parents, so trips like this are good from my soul.

My sister, Rylee, and her cute girly, Blakely, came over to spend time with us as well. She was so good to put up with Avery. Avery is pretty good at taking over toys and being pretty bossy, so I was impressed with Blakely's patience.

Avery does not travel very well, and does not like sleeping in anything but her bed. Because of this she spent most of the trip being a tired grump, but we made the most out of it. Traveling with kiddos just makes everything that much more exciting.

My mom was so cute and did a family night lesson for us Monday night. Ellie was elated because family night is her favorite part of the week. We learned how to be fishers of men. Ellie could not get enough of the cute fishing game my mom made.

Avery got her first ice cream cone, and she could not believe how delicious (and cold) it was. She sat in the highchair for a good long time eating it, which is a miracle for her. Leave it to Grandma and Papa to spoil the girls. Part of my purpose of going to St. George was to try to ditch my winter blues for a few days. The company helped, but it snowed, so there was no escape! We also had to head home early to avoid a big winter storm.

While I was in St. George my mom and I wanted to make a cake. We settled on Cake by Courtney's Candy Bar Cake. It was a party! It has layers of shortbread cookie and chocolate cake sandwiched with a delicious peanut butter nugget and salted caramel. There were a lot of separate components to this cake to make, but the combination is so worth it. I did not have all of my decorating supplies, so the drip didn't turn out as well as I would like, but who can complain when you take a bite of this masterpiece?

The Day of Love

 I love Valentine's Day. It gets a bad wrap a lot of the time, but I love that we have a day set aside to remind us of the importance of telling those around us that we care about them are and appreciate them. It's more to me than a romantic holiday. It's a day of love. I think we all could be more mindful of those we love. It's important to remind them of our love. We never want to take our relationships for granted.

Ellie got to pass out valentines for the first time in her preschool class. She was so excited! Her cute teacher even helped them make their containers for their valentines. It was so fun to watch her carefully write out each of her friends' names on their card. She's still working on her letters, so a few were more difficult to read than others. She finished them all though.

We had some special visitors this Valentine's Day. Jake and Zaira came to stay with us before we all headed down to Brittany and Sean's wedding. We were beyond thrilled to spend some time with them. We have missed them like crazy since they have moved to Washington. We had some heart-shaped pizzas for dinners, and of course I had to make a cake.

This is Strawberry Dark Chocolate Truffle Cake is another cake from Cake by Courtney. It is simply divine. I'm telling you, nothing beats the strawberry frosting. I didn't have the strawberry emulsion that she used, but I did have a bag of freeze-dried strawberries. I through them in a food processor and then sifted them into the frosting. Each dark chocolate layer of cake was topped with the strawberry frosting and chopped up fresh strawberries. The entire cake was then frosted in the strawberry frosting and topped with dark chocolate ganache and chocolate covered strawberries. I love chocolate covered strawberries, so this cake was a definite win in my book!

Chocolate Dulce de Leche Cake

For Avery's birthday I knew we weren't doing her smash cake on her actual birthday, so I wanted a cake for us to eat as a family. When I saw this Chocolate Dulce de Leche cake on Cake by Courtney's blog I knew I had to make it. I'm so glad I did! The cake itself is dark chocolate, but in-between each layer is dulce de leche. It is then covered with a chocolate buttercream, topped with homemade salted caramel. The combination of the flavors is perfection. I couldn't get over how moist the cake was, and how well the less sweet chocolate cake balance with the incredibly sweet dulce de leche caramel. I completed the cake with dark chocolate shavings and piped chocolate frosting. Of course I had to add some dark Ghirardelli chocolate squares with salted caramel. This cake is a definite must!

She's a Big Girl Now

How can life go by so fast? I swear it was just yesterday that I was holding Avery in my arms in the hospital. Now she is smiling, crawling, sitting in a high chair, and drinking from a sippy cup. Ellie's newborn stage went by so slowly; Avery's was over in the blink of an eye. Avery has such a spunky personality. She's going to be such a tease, I can already tell. She likes to crawl to the stairs then look at me and wait until I'm watching. As soon as she catches my eye she smirks and starts crawling up the stairs.

She gets so excited when Jeremy gets home from work. The second the door opens she crawls over chanting, "Da, da, da, da, da" until he picks her up. She wants to be with Ellie the majority of the day. She will follow her around, and if she doesn't get to play with what Ellie is playing with she will let you know of her discontent. She's a little bit of a mommy's girl. She takes a minute to warm up to strangers, and will hug to my chest if they try to talk to her.

She loves to dance, especially to "The Greatest Showman" soundtrack. She'll nod her head, bounce on her knees, and lately she'll stand up and shake her arms with pride. If she loves her meal she'll pound it. If she doesn't she'll try to feed it to Kanye. Watching her drink is hilarious to me. She gets a very serious face and smooshes the sippy cup right up to her nose then chugs.

She is a lot more busy than I remember Ellie being (it might just be from lack of memory though). Avery is constantly trying to get into things she knows that Mom and Dad don't want her to get into. You can always tell when she's aiming to get into trouble because her crawl turns into turbo-drive. She wants to love Kanye so hard, but we have to remind her to be soft. To be fair, Kanye is pretty good at being right in her face. Avery is so very loved by all, and she is such a great addition to our family.

First thing in the morning on Avery's birthday we had her open presents. Of course Ellie was just as excited, if not more so, about the new toys. Ellie immediately exclaimed, "We share toys, right Mom?!" I was lucky enough to catch it on video and plan to play it for her anytime she decides that sharing isn't the most convenient. Later that night we got some pizzas and had a pizza night once Jeremy got home from work.

The part of Avery's birthday that I was the most excited for was making her smash cake. I saw the cutest rainbow piping on a cake made by Cake by Courtney. I wanted to try  my hand at it so bad! I made the rainbow chip cake by using three 4" spring form pans. In between the layers I used rainbow chip frosting (from the can).  I made Courtney's buttercream frosting recipe for the outside of the cake and the piping. I love how it turned out! I have a lot of practice to do with piping, but I couldn't help but be pleased.

We were so excited when we found out that my parents were going to be in town the weekend of Avery's birthday. We went out to lunch with them to Seven Brothers Burgers. They never disappoint! Their fries are what dreams are made of, and don't even get me started on the burgers.  It was so great to spend some time with my mom and dad. We were sad to see them go home.

The Monday following Avery's birthday we had the party continue. We had over Jeremy's siblings and their families to have dinner and cake. Avery finally got to try her cake! She wanted to eat it so bad, but couldn't figure out the best way to go about it. There were a few tears of frustration, but after I helped her get a few handfuls there was no going back.

She was a huge fan! She probably ate over half the cake. Needless to say it was a mess to clean up, but it was totally worth it. We loved celebrating our little girl, and looking back at the year we've had with her. She is such a blessing in our lives and the best addition to our little family. We love you Aves!

Older & Wiser, Too

This week we celebrated Mister's birthday. We're so lucky to have this guy around. He takes such good care of us. I'm always humbled by the sacrifices he makes for us, yet he never complains. He loves our little girls more than life itself, and he makes me feel like I am his world. To celebrate we went to dinner with the girls then came home for cake. Later in the week Jeremy and I had a little date night just to ourselves.

I gave Jeremy a list of cakes to choose from and he chose the Oreo Cheesecake Chocolate Cake from OMG Chocolate Desserts. It was a good choice. Oh my word, it was a good choice. The Oreo cheesecake sandwiched between the chocolate cake layers was heavenly. Top it with the dark chocolate ganache and there is no going back. The best part was that it was such an easy recipe!

Day 19

It's hard to stay motivated. I did pretty good yesterday, but today I'm really struggling. It doesn't help that the one time of day that you get to yourself either the baby refuses to sleep or the neighbor girl comes over to play while your toddler would be taking a nice long nap. I'm trying hard to stay positive and make good choices. Some days I rock it and other days I completely blow it.

Today is somewhere in the middle. I went running, cleaned a bathroom, got groceries, put them away, and found time for some spiritual meditation, but I didn't get anything else done. I was going to pull some orders for my shop. I was going to get more things put together for Ellie's birthday party. I was going to make a delicious snack for my girls' night tonight. I was going to clean the kitchen, vacuum, and mop. I have a plan for dinner tonight though, so there's that.

I still don't know what to do about my shop. Part of me still feels like I should close it down, but the other part of me wants to see where it takes me. I don't want to be a quitter. I always quit when things get too hard. If things don't come easy to me I don't even try. I've worked so hard on this shop, and even though I have a lot more work to do I want to keep going. Maybe I just need to be better about picking my priorities. I've been off-balance lately, I know I have. I wish spiritual nudges were easier to understand. More like spiritual jolts, you know.

Day 18

This last weekend the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gathered and watched a general conference. This conference is broadcast all over the world. Many member congregate in churches or (the lucky ones) in their homes. Some also attend the conference live in Salt Lake City, Utah. During the conference we hear from the leaders of the church speak on principles that they are inspired to extend to us. We get to hear from the prophet of God, who is a mouthpiece of the Lord and reveals revelation to us.

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in the Church of Jesus Christ. A few are:

1. Reorganization of some of the organizations in the church.
2. A deeper emphasis of gospel study at home by shortening the amount of time spent at church each Sunday.
3. Revamping the way that members take care of each other.

There were a lot of messages that were shared, but the one that stuck out to me is the importance of motherhood. According to "The Family - A Proclamation to the World" we learn that " Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." This proclamation was introduced in 1995 as a stance of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints viewed the responsibilities of the family and such. I also know that I can be successful in anything I set my mind to. I want to raise worthy and worthwhile children who understand the importance of serving God and others.

After listening to all of the inspirational messages of the weekend I have a deep feeling that  I should pause doing my shop right now. It's not the right time. I don't know if there will ever be a good time, but now is definitely not it. I want to focus on my number one priority -- my family. My shop has been fun but it has taken from the time that I should be focusing on more important things. I've  been trying to decide if I should quit cold turkey, or if I should finish off the upcoming Christmas season. Since I just received a bunch of new inventory I feel as though I should work on selling as much of it as I can in the upcoming months then close down. I have a boutique that I have been accepted to vend at and another that I'm waiting to hear back from. I figure I will do the boutiques then do a big sale to get rid of the rest. After that I will close up shop.

When I mentioned to Jeremy that I was thinking I should stop selling things he was worried for me because he has seen how good it has been for me to have a hobby. It keeps me sane when dealing with little ones all day long. I agree that having a hobby is good, but I just don't think that Oh, Elle is the right hobby currently. It's too time consuming. I wouldn't mind working on my writing, drawing, and cooking skills. I think I would love to write a children's book one of these days.

Part of me is sad to let go of something that I have worked so hard on. The other part of me is relieved. Although I like having a shop, there are a lot of things I don't like. I don't like the marketing part of it. The social media side of it gives me anxiety and I always feel pressured to be posting. I think it will be a nice break.  

For now I am going to focus on the challenge Pres. Nelson issued the women of the church:

1. Take a 10 day fast from social media and any other media that distracts you from what is good.
2. Read the entire Book of Mormon by the end of the year.
3. Start going regularly to the temple.
4. Participate in Relief Society more fully.

Here goes a new chapter. Wish me luck!

Day 7

Where does the time go? Ellie is going to be four before I know it, then five, then she'll be in kindergarten. Before I know it she won't want to cuddle with me anymore, and she won't say her sweet funny sayings anymore. She turned from a baby to a toddler and now she's turning from a toddler to a child. I can't handle it. I'm not ready for this.

Also, here's a part of Ellie's bedtime prayer tonight, "Please bless I can play soccer even though it's just for boys, and please bless Reef that he will be a nice boy."

Day 4

Alma 5:26 "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"

This scripture came up in church yesterday. We were talking about the Holy Ghost, and recognizing when he is with you. I know I have not been as diligent in studying my scriptures, praying, etc. lately. I use the excuse of I'm busy raising kids. The fact is, I have been in a dark hole and I haven't realized it. I mean, sometimes I did, but not enough to do anything about it. I would ignore the feelings I had and bury them even deeper.

I want to be better. I want to have the spirit with me always. I want to be able to receive personal revelation and revelation for my family whenever I need to. If I'm not living in line with the Savior's teachings then it's not going to happen. Yesterday, someone also said the phrase "companionship of the Holy Ghost." I've heard this phrase a million times, but yesterday it dawned on me that having the spirit is a two-way street. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is not pulling their weight. Right now, I am not pulling my weight.

I'm working on finding myself, and in order to do that I need to embrace the fact that I am a daughter of God. He loves me and wants the best for me. I am here on this earth to become more like Him, and help others as well. I can't help anyone until I first take care of myself, so that's what I'm going to do. I am going to find my confidence and my voice. I am brilliant, bright, and beautiful and I will keep telling myself that until I believe it.

Day 3

Today started out as a downer day, but quickly got better with the help of my cute family. Ellie was in her first primary program, and later we had a birthday dinner for Aunt Brittany. It was just what I needed. I needed to have a reason to think about someone other than myself.

I've been really hard on myself lately. I've been frustrated at my short comings and annoyed with my weaknesses. The thing is, I'm human. If I don't accept myself for who I am how can I expect anyone else? I've decided that I need to be better at cheering myself on. I need to love myself.

I need to recognize my talents and not  be ashamed of them or belittle them. I am nurturing, funny, a good cook, unashamed of my beliefs, dependable, clever, smart, and beautiful. I ran across this quote in a book I'm reading called You are a Badass, "You are the only you there is or ever will be."

It takes just as much energy to think negatively or positively about myself. Why would I waste that energy putting myself down? I love my girls and I want them to love themselves. How are they ever going to do that if they don't have a good example around them? I am a daughter of God, and that's a big deal. I need to start acting like one.

Day 2

I started out the day going for my run, and I happened to run into a friend of mine. The second I saw her I was brought to tears which surprised me and her. I keep thinking back to the tears and wondering why I was so emotional. I saw her a few days ago at a party of mine. I had said something jokingly to her, but she didn't respond in a way that I expected. I had apologized in fear that I had offended her, but she brushed it off acting like it wasn't a big deal and there was no need to apologize. I think that I have been holding an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind that something was wrong between us. When I saw her I could tell that everything was fine and I think that is what caused the tears. They were tears of relief.

I have been very overwhelmed lately, and how I have handled it is ignoring everything (which isn't the best way to solve the problem). I think today everything came back to haunt me. I'm overwhelmed with housework, my business, family relationships, friendships, and church responsibilities.  I have been very unbalanced lately and have been putting all of my efforts to one thing. My business. I've been ignoring the laundry, bathrooms, phone calls, appointments I need to set up, and even cooking (which I typically enjoy). I'm not centered.  I'm, in fact, the complete opposite. I am the leaning tower of Pisa.

As I was running, I kept thinking of all the things I need to get done. I would go from mentally planning to being on the verge of tears. I have been in a huge slump lately and I have had a very difficult time finding motivation. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe  I just need to make a list. A to-do list -- not necessarily so I know what needs to be done, but just so I can mentally unwind and let it all out. Here it goes:

feed Avery
schedule meeting
finish laundry
clean the bathrooms
put the extra chairs in the basement
plan Ellie's  birthday party
make Britt's birthday cake
go grocery shopping
schedule visits
meal plan dinners for next week

That actually felt really good. I'm sure there is more, but that was what was on the top of my mind and bogging me down the most.

To end on a good note, here's a conversation I had with Ellie today...

Me: Where is my crockpot?
Ellie: Mom, what's pot?
Me: Well, you don't really need to know what pot is, but a crockpot helps me cook.
Ellie: I have pot.
Me: Really?
Ellie: Yeah, it's big and in my fridge and I make cake with it.

And with that, it's time to go feed Avery.

Day 1

Have you ever wondered what your purpose in life is? Have you ever wondered what your calling is? I know I'm a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the list goes on and on, but sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in all of that and wonder if there is more. Is there more than the poopy diapers, the tantrums, the dog-chewed stuffed animals, the dirty kitchen, and the constant feeling of needing to lose weight? I've heard from a million women that they feel as though they have lost their identity of who they are when they became a mom. Part of me feels like motherhood isn't really to blame.

I mean, yes, your hormones are out of wack, you constantly have someone needing something from you, and you can never find time to clean those bathrooms but I think you don't have to lose your identity through it all. Honestly, it is part of your identity. I read somewhere something to the affect of "You don't change, you find yourself." Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of moments where I just wish that I could go back to the simpler times in college. All I had to worry about was myself. I didn't have to schedule every workout, girls night, and shopping trip. I didn't have the feeling of putting someone else out just for some "me time." I then remind myself that although life was simpler then, it didn't have the depth that my life has now.

I didn't love as deeply as I do now. I have two little girls and a husband that are my life. Nothing beats the smile I get from Avery every time I get her after a nap. Nothing is better than the hug I get from Ellie when I wake her up to say goodnight after I have been gone. Nothing is even close to the amazing feeling I get when I catch my husband looking at me from across the room. Having a little family of my own can't be summed up in any less of a way than pure joy.

Sometimes I get lost though. Sometimes I forget the joy that I am surrounded by. Sometimes I get caught up in all of the menial tasks of motherhood and being a wife. How do I pull myself out of the negativity? I'm not quite sure, but I do know what doesn't work -- scrolling though endless social media accounts of "perfect" people, eating myself sick, and binge-watching shows. How is it, then, that I typically go to one of those options during nap time on a downer (or even just a typical) day? What does typically get me out of my funk? I've found that meditating, doing something creative, or even cleaning something helps.

For today I pick doing something creative. I've decided that I like writing; I think I knew it all along. I'm not sure if I'm good at it, but I do know that the best way to get better at something is to do it a lot. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a lot. I want to try to write something every day. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I have a feeling that if I give myself the time the ideas will flow. Here goes nothing...

She Could Have Danced All Night

In January we put Ellie in a dance class, and she has fallen in love with it. She loves her teacher and the friends in her class. It has been so fun learning how to use her body and get more coordinated (little by little). 

At the beginning of March Ellie had her first dance recital. I want sure how it would go. She claimed she was excited to dance on the stage, but I didn't know if that would hold any water come the night of her performance.

Turns out, she rocked it. She did such a great job! The crocodiles were the hit of the show. It was such a cute production of Peter Pan, and it was so fun to see all the talent from older students. I'm excited to continue down this dance path, and I'm curious to see where it will take Ellie.